Good morning. I've written something on parenting for RightNetwork:
Still Using "Carrot and Stick" Parenting? And . . . is it working yet?
So take a break from politics and come argue about discuss the best way to raise kids.
Previous RN pieces:
On Civility
Raising Children to be Readers
Most recent posts here.
October 28, 2010
Carrot-and-stick parenting
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Jill, tried to post this earlier and it didn’t seem to go through.
ReplyDeleteThis is a “love ya’ but…” moment.
I read your article about the theory of using behavior modification in kids as being limited in value. Your error came when you tried to make the B.M. the end all answer and then tried to use the love and living by example as the alternative to B.M. as a successful method in raising kids.
The problem is immediacy. For example, you could show you two year old that stove are hot by never touching a hot stove over the years and maybe by example and exposure to higher learning the child learns not to touch. However, the sad fact is the real lesson would come when they do touch and get burned. That is why you slap hands and say no. It cuts down on the “third degree” learning curve the kid would be exposed to, if you know what I mean.
On the other hand, showing the better way by example is the right long term method. As parents we don’t realize just how much our kids observe and absorb. It can come back to haunt you if you aren’t careful as harsh words and deeds are talked about by your kids and you realize you could have done better. For example, the “do as I say, not as I do” method sucks. Telling your kids not to cuss, while cussing like a drunken sailor is wrong. Telling them not to get worked up over a problem but instead solve it calmly is a great idea, but doesn’t translate to a good lesson if they see you cussing and yelling when something you are trying to repair frustrates you.
However, there are times when a parent’s bad actions can be used as a good lesson. My son was that kid who, when he was younger, would steal candy or cokes or other sweets and then lie about it. We’d think it was cute because we would find empty wrappers under his bed and such. But as he grew he switched to more serious issues like if he did his schoolwork or his chores. I got onto him about it a lot, using far more stick than carrot as I found lying and stealing very offensive. (Twenty years as a cop will do that to you) Even though I told him that lying was an insult to the person you are lying to (what, we are smart enough to figure it out?!) and that it built a level of distrust in the other person you may not overcome, my son persisted in his cutting corners ways.
That was until his mother stole from him and his sister. She took the money for her immediate needs. She denied it when they confronted her, becoming angry that they had the gall to discover her theft. I could not and would not mitigate the act. She was wrong.
But, in a lemon to lemonade moment I did sit him down and ask him how he felt. For the first time he understood the sense of betrayal and distrust being lied to thrusts on a person. I said, “Now you understand. So I have a question. Would you want to have someone you like or love feel this way about you?” His eyes were brimming with tears as he said a quiet “No.” “Then don’t do it.”
From that point on, if he starts to slide back into his old ways all I have to do is look at him. He understands the message “You are better than that.”
In that sense example works. But it either happens over a long time, or is pushed to the front by a horrific act. Between those times you have to use other methods. Behavioral Modification does in fact work well on people.
You would have to ignore entire segments of society where B.M. not only changes immediate behavior but impacts over the long term (military, traffic laws, criminal statutes).
The key is balance. Kids should be allowed to test their free will, but inside a perimeter constructed of hard yes/no walls. Kids seek structure (one reason so many "lost" kids seek gangs).
Trust me, they’ll thank you later.
Gak! I wrote a response but it went poof. I'll try again later. Thanks for your comment.
ReplyDeleteHi Jill, I'm a mom with two young kids (ages 5 and 3) and I really liked your article. Time outs haven't worked for me except to get the screaming whining misbehaving kid out of my hair for a few minutes but they don't learn a whole lot from it, it's just a break for ME.
ReplyDeleteI studied psych in school and never thought Skinner box theories were right for human people. You can bribe your kid to get what you want out of them, but as you said, it sets a bad precedent and the ante is continually upped.
Sometimes kids need to be told NO in a stern voice, sometimes they need a slap on the hand or a swat on the butt, but most of the time what they really need is for their parents to be honest with them and talk to them - and listen to what the child has to say so you can get to the root of why they are doing or not doing something.
As you said, setting a good example works wonders as well.
Of course my kids are little, for all I know, in a few years I may find myself eating my words. ;)
Great writing though, definitely a nice break from politics and you make some excellent points that are well worth thinking about.
Thanks for the comments. I highly recommend the book on the left sidebar, Hold On To Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More than Peers. You can read parts of it here.
ReplyDeleteCh. 13, Unteachable Students, is one of the best but it's all good.
Archer, see my comment on the post above about daycare and attachment.
I applaud your thoughtfulness on the issue of behavior mod. I'm afraid many, many parents do it thoughtlessly, as it's become the default option. Every family is different and free to do things that work for them but discipline and parenting approaches are important and need to be thought through.
I think behavior mod is basically conning and manipulating and undermines trust. It may be useful when a child is very small but once he's reached the age of reason I vote for honesty over "incentives."
As an aside, here are a couple of posts that touch on BM in politics and relationships:
Obama's manipulation dream team
How not to treat your husband
Once upon a time our current youth culture didn't exist, and society supported the child-parent attachment in a number of ways. Now the youth culture is an almost irresistible magnet, competing with parents and attracting poorly-attached kids so much that it's viewed as normal.
Keeping the attachment strong between parents and kids is what allows the child to be parented. A strong relationship between parent & child is the conduit through which the parent's love and guidance is given to the child. If the attachment is transferred to peers, the conduit is clamped shut and the child won't be willing to receive what he needs. Try parenting a child who has pulled away from you. It's very, very difficult. Yes, God has given us authority over our kids, but that means we can lead them to water. After a certain age, we can't make them drink. Go to that link above and see page 46: The Power to Parent is Slipping Away.
Parents can do things, and fail to do things, to put the attachment at risk. 99+% of parent love their kids and would gladly throw themselves in front of a train for them but the kids don't always know that. They need to feel the unconditional love. That's what gives them a secure base and allows them to benefit from the love, guidance, and wisdom the parent is providing.
Just to be clear, I'm not talking about hovering or helicopter parenting, that smothering micromanagement that interferes with maturity. I'm not talking about permissive parenting, either. But a securely attached child will usually want to do as he's told and will naturally share the parent's values; head-butting doesn't dominate the relationship.
The secure parenting relationship is what allows for the transfer of culture and traditions down the generations. We are at risk now of losing so much because kids are cut off from their parents' and grandparents' culture. To state the obvious, the youth culture is intrinsically immature. Kids who are attached to peers instead of parents will suffer and so will the entire culture.