Oprah never can say good-bye

Get a load of Oprah's long, long "good-bye" (she's not really going away), a "star-studded" we're-all-so-great-aren't-we fest that would pass for self-parody if we didn't know the "stars" were incapable of it, as retold by Lisa de Moraes:

Monday’s show went like this:

“The Greatest, Grandest, Most Spectacular Surprise Ever,” Voice-over Guy continued modestly.

“With the help of some of the Biggest. Stars. On. The. Planet. . . . Living Legends.”

Out came Oprah in a long purple gown, her hair pulled back in a ponytail, to greet her thousands of Ultimate Fans in Chicago’s United Center, where the special was taped late last week, to accommodate the thousands of fans who attended.

The night’s first surprise: Tom Hanks, who would fill the role of master of ceremonies.

“Oh yeah!” Oprah shrieked. “Let the games begin!”

“You’re Oprah Winfrey!” Hanks said.

“You’re Tom Hanks!” Oprah observed.

Kindly pass me a bucket.

Pulling off this super-secret show has been darned near a “Mission Impossible,” Hanks hinted as he cued up the next super-celebrity.

Can it be? It is! Tom Cruise! He hugged Oprah while simultaneously fist-pumping Hanks. Cruise wore gray slacks, black henley and an I’m-on-“Oprah” crazy-man grin.

“Woo-hoo! Tom Hanks! Tom Cruise!” Oprah said, to recap.

But wait, there's more!

“Oprah! Oprah! Oprah!” the crowd screamed as it returned to our TV. Hanks was back, telling Oprah that one of her ultimate viewers just flew in from New York — a hardworking mother of four who says the show means the world to her.

Who could this hardworking mother be?

Madonna!

“Get OUT!” Oprah screamed as Madonna walked out onstage, dressed as a ’40s film star attending a parent-teacher meeting.

“It’s no secret millions of people are inspired by Oprah. I am one of those people,” Madonna said, swiftly turning the talk to, well, Madonna.

Et cetera. I don't know how people sit through this drivel. But I am a little sorry I missed Beyonce's tribute to Girl Grads, which sounds, um . . . inspiring!

And speaking of graduating, as Beyonce gave this moving speech, she was surrounded by a chorus of young women — all beautiful, all leggy. Some were wearing white mortarboard caps and gowns that barely covered their bottoms. Others had on crisp white shirts, suspenders, reading glasses, long red gloves, very high red heels and little black strips of fabric that were once skirts before some fool put them through the dry cycle. Beyonce and her girls proceeded to do a Girl Power bump-and-grind while Oprah watched with her mouth open. As was ours — though we think for different reasons.

Role models!

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